Disclosure: (Imagine this part in tiny little print like official words are.)
This article is not written to any particular person. If you are a mental health professional or an educator or a doctor or a social worker or anyone else serving one of my sons, do not assume I am talking about you on the internet. I would tell you to your face first. I'm pretty direct that way. However, if you are one such professional working with one of my sons or someone else's kid, I would appreciate it if you would read this. Several times. And give it serious consideration. Hopefully, I can change your perspective and shed some light on some questions that I am asked on a fairly regular basis. Thank you very much for your time and attention.
Got that out of the way.
Here we go.
I am my son's Mom. It's a role I take pretty seriously. It is my greatest privilege. It is my highest priority. It is my greatest blessing. I'm his Mom and I am going to be his Mom for the rest of my life. I am the one who will be there long after you are gone. So believe me when I tell you...
...I know that kid better than anyone else.
Except God. Since He is the one who created him.
Since my son moved into my home we haven't always had an easy time. It hasn't been all butterflies and sparkily cupcakes. But one thing is certain. I know who my son is. I can see right through all of his behavior and his trauma and his big disrespectful mouth right to his heart. And I see good there. I believe that God Himself showed that good to me so I could show it to you. I am determined to get you to see it too. And I will not waiver in my determination.
As long as you are dealing with my son (or anyone else's, since I am confident enough in my position to speak for my friends and their children too), please be respectful of what he has experienced and survived. Please be mindful of any diagnosis that might complicate things further. Be aware that my son lives with significant skill deficits compared to his peers. He might be a chronological adult, but that does not mean he can manage a task that another young man his age could handle easily.
Please keep all these statements in mind when you write to me or call me frustrated with some behavior. Don't be surprised when I remind you that my son is not "just the age when a kid thinks he knows everything". He is not "trying to use his disability to get one over on you". Please do not conclude that he is simply lazy or unmotivated (he might be--but there is more to it than that). If you and I find ourselves in this situation and you've made some of these conclusions, please do not assume that I am going to completely agree with your assessment of the situation and be on my merry way. It will never happen.
I am my son's Mom.
I am the one who has taken these calls from everyone who has ever worked with him. I am the one who found him in undesirable circumstances and promised him a better life. I am the one who sat at the dinner table one night and listened in horror as he told me all the things that happened to him because he finally felt safe enough to talk. I am the one whose heart breaks for all he endured and survived. I am the one who fought for him. I am the one who knows how far he has come.
It is my role to question and to enlighten your perspective. I expect you to be frustrated with my response. I'm used to being asked, "Why do you always make excuses for him?" when I bring up the subject of past trauma as a cause for current behavior. I expect you to say, "You are really not doing him any favors by sheltering him from accountability." when I suggest a consequence that makes sense given my son's skill deficits. I expect you to be angry. I've gotten used to all this. It doesn't change what is.
My son is not easy to work with. You have to want to be committed. But there is a reward. There is gold in that kid. Your role is to find it and bring it out. My role is to help you see it. I've got big enough shoulders to take your criticism.
"Which son are you referring to?" You ask.
Either one of them.
Forever.
Because I am their Mom.
13 comments:
Beautifully said.
I've never posted here before, but I love reading your blog.
This one really made me think... we talk all the time about how past traumatic experiences affect how our children operate now. While YOU are an amazing parent and you DO know your children best and always have their best interests at the forefront of your mind, can't you imagine that not every parent these social workers/therapists/experts work with are as dedicated as you? Isn't it possible that they've seen so many parents who ARE causing the trauma for their children that they (the professional) themselves are traumatized and acting accordingly?
How can they TRUST you as a parent when they've been burned so many times in the past?
Let's try to encourage them and support them through their own trauma. :)
Dear Anon~
Thanks for the comment and thanks for reading. I wanted to reply to your question, "How can they TRUST you as a parent when they've been burned so many times in the past?"
Benefit of the doubt. A lot more parents are like me than not. And I am not always polished and together. I guarantee there are some professionals who dislike me intensely. When parents are managing crisis, they don't say things just right. They may not appear to be "good parents". That is when they need your support more than ever.
Where would I be if not for the therapist who listened without judgement and put my family back together? I'm sure I gave her reasons to doubt me. I'm sure she questioned if we were going to be ok. But, she only showed me support.
Here's what I suggest:
1. connect the parent to other parents. Parents need that support.
2. Understand that parents don't say the right things when they are in crisis.
3. Coach parents on the details. Help them organize their documents, explain what a GAF score is, let them know if they are using language that concerns you. But, do it in a supportive and helpful manner. You will see parents trust you more as well.
4. Commit to the kid. I am forever grateful to a doctor who said once, "I'm gonna take care of this." By taking ownership of a particular task, he really helped our family.
Remember that parents have to trust you too. That can be challenging depending on your position because you may have more power than them. That's always hard.
Thanks again for reading and for the comment! I appreciate the chance to have the conversation.
Have a great day!
Lynne
Thank you! Beautifully said.
and that is why mom is 51% of the team.....
Lynne, I'm going to steal this to send to the RTC staff for all the kids they work with, not just my son if that's okay. Spot.on.
Now that I can clearly follow your blog, I have to say that this was the most well put and beautifully written one I have seen in a while. Thank you for encouraging others, yourself and ME to BE for our children. (hugs) to you!
i'm friends with beemommy and GB's mom. Beemommy sent me here. This is exactly how I feel and exactly what I tell therapists about my two kids, every single time they want to tell me something I need to do differently for my kid. So many people have come and gone in my children's lives over the years, all under the guise of helping our family but I'm the only one that has stuck around to do the hard work. I tried counting them all. i loose track, there have been too many. Too many times i've retold my child's story, too many times I've been told I'm wrong, too many times i've corrected them kindly because THEY are wrong, too many, too many too many. I've never wanted anything other than a happy, healthy family.
Amen! I also followed Beemommy, and I think this is just *perfect*. Beautifully done.
I love all you've written...
because I am "their" mom...
and I have also seen gold!!!!!
It's been a while... but I know it's there!!!!
Ah, as usual, THANK YOU! I spent the last six months thinking all the thoughts you just put in writing. I am so tired of the din of people who just met my son who can't manage their own frustration and anger about his behavior, and who think they are going to tell him to just quit it, or offer me some new tough love philosophy and everything will magically fall into place. I begin almost every conversation with the various professionals involved in his life with, "As his PARENT,..." because they seem to treat me like some ignorant babysitter, or worse, like an enabler. They don't see him at home, they don't know what happened to him, and they don't know how hard he tries, every day, as hard as he possibly can, to live with integrity.
This is great! I was referred here by someone else because of what I am going thru with my 9 year old and having him in the hospital. There is alot of information that you have here that any parent who might face hospitalizing their child should be aware of and know, esp. how providers may react to you when you try and get them info. I have basically been ignored for the past 5 days. My son is to be coming home today so that he can attend his therapy tomorrow and at this point I am not sure there has been anything redeeming about this hospital stay. Are you in MN? If so, would like to connect up with you somehow... not always easy to find those who are good support that are local.
Scandi, I do live in Minnesota. Contact me directly at lpbling at gmail dot com. :-)
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