"look for the gold"

Picture two adoptive families. Both adopted older children from foster care. Both sets of parents educated themselves on the process and felt confident they could manage what they were taking on.

Family #1 adopted two boys about 7 years ago. Since moving home,

• both boys have graduated from high school.
• one has a job in management.
• one works with the adoptive dad in the family business.
• one is a gifted athlete.
• one inspired a huge fundraising effort benefiting kids in foster care when he shared his story with his classmates.
• both boys have received treatment and therapy and have responded reasonably well.
• both boys have more good days than bad days.
• both boys are sensitive with good hearts and good intentions.

Family #2 also adopted two boys about 7 years ago. Since moving home,

• the boys have experienced a dozen hospitalizations between them.
• one son developed a serious mood disorder.
• one son almost died after a suicide attempt.
• both boys have been arrested. One has plead guilty to assault 3 times.
• both boys struggled mightily in school-one academically and one with his behavior.
• both boys struggle with relationships and finding their place within the family and the community.
• both boys have lived at home with the family and in various out of home placements including a correctional setting and residential treatment.

I shared this story of two families recently with a group of parents and asked what thoughts came to mind. I received answers like, "I sure hope I never find myself in family #2." and "What did the first family do that the second family didn't?" One parent asked me if these families were even real or did I make them up? Certainly there could not be two real families so similar with such extreme differences.

I took a deep breath and asked the following:

Would it surprise you to learn that these are not two different families but the same family?

There was silence and mouths were open.

So, I took another deep breath. My hands were shaking so I folded them tightly in my lap where no one could see. With a quiet voice I asked:

Would it surprise you to learn that these are both my family?

Then I took a few sips of my water while the group caught up with me.

I explained that I was neither bragging or complaining. I'm not looking for sympathy or accolades. I understood that I was brought to that group to tell my story as a disclaimer. A here's what could happen in the worst case type of scenario. And it's not that simple. Families are complicated. Any kid can be painted as a success story or a cautionary tale. It just depends on how you look at it.

Choose to be like one dad who said, "I look for the gold in my kid and that's what I focus on. He messes up-and I just keep looking at the gold."

There is always gold in our kids if we look hard enough to find it. Sometimes we have to want to see it. Sometimes we need to see it in order to survive all the trauma mud that the gold is buried in. In all cases, looking for the gold can get a parent through some of the tougher days.

Happy gold hunting to you today, Friend.