"I will rescue him."

What a week.



Sometimes, especially with my Older Kid, I forget that he lives with illness. He does so well for such a long stretch that I stop watching every mood. I stop analyzing every behavior. I trick myself into believing that he is just fine. And when something happens to remind me of the illness, I fall. Hard.



On Monday afternoon, I fell really hard. We almost lost our Older Kid on Monday. We almost lost him. And I didn't see it coming. I didn't have a clue. Just the right combination of illness and mood swing and....



This blog is a tale of my stories. My journey raising two incredible, resilliant, smart, funny boys with a traumatic past, good hearts, and some illness thrown in too. One day, I will share more details about Monday's events. For today, I am thrilled to report that Older Kid will survive. Really....that was in question for several hours on Monday night. He is alive.



Thank you, God. Thank you so very much!



My boys have a lot of diagnosis. A lot of labels. What do they mean? What does Mood Disorder look like? If behaviors are the symptoms of such an illness, then what are the behaviors? Mood disorder is about depression and mania. In both my boys I have seen the mood swings. Sometimes they are rapid--up one minute, down the next. Sometimes the depression or mania can last for weeks on end.



What does depression look like? In my experience it doesn't mean that the kid can't get out of bed. Although that happens sometimes, it is not typical. Typically, depression comes across as

irritability. Unhappy. Difficult to be around.



Mania, on the other hand, is high energy. I wish I had words appropriate to describe the level of energy. It is like a tornado. Chaotic, out of control, comes and goes as it pleases, and it can leave a hell of a lot of damage. It is as if something is driving the kid. Words can't come out of his mouth fast enough. He "spins" from one topic to another without thought. He hardly sleeps at all and he does not display signs that he is tired. He is on top of the world. Litterally. You can stand in front of the kid and almost see him come off the ground. He is unstoppable, invincible.....it is dangerous. Many times, the kid thinks he is doing well--great--no need for medication, no need for church, no need for rules or structure. And just for fun, if the kid is chronologically an adult, then he gets to make those decisions.



Combine that with the impulsivity that comes from a lack of executive function. The brain just can't spin and swing as fast as it does and then be expected to perform it's executive functions too. No cause and effect thinking. "If I touch the fire, will I get burned?" None of that. That whole thought process is absent.



Spinning, spinning, flying on top of the world. And then something happens. Something insignificant. Something like a certain song playing in the background. And suddenly--overwhelming sadness. Overwhelming grief. Unimaginable emotional pain.



And then...with all this invisible activity going on inside his brain, the kid makes a decision that could forever change him and everyone around him. Just like that. In the blink of an eye. While everyone else was going about their day to day business unaware.



Wow. Unbelievable.



That is all I can say. Unbelievable.



Unbelievably tragic.

Unbelievably lucky.

Unbelievable ill.

Unbelievable.



My Dear Bloggy Friends, you are among the few people-outside of those who "need to know" to perform their jobs-that all this has gone down this week. Who can a parent share something like this with? Who would truly understand? Who would listen without envoking judgement? Who can hear this without commenting "what a stupid kid?" or "How could you let that happen?" Not to mention that for the first 36 hours, I could not even speak. I was struck speachless. (I know--write it down it probably won't happen again)



Today, I will tell the whole story to the doctor who will be treating Older Kid. I have people to support me. Thank you, God again. I have my people. My Drama Mamas. And Activist Annie and Rachel the wonder therapist. I am good. I am blessed to have these supports in place. I am also blessed by my Older Kid, who told me repeatedly on Monday how much he loves us. That this was not our fault. That it has nothing to do with us. I don't take that for granted. I know how valuable that is. I know that many parents don't have that.

"'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation'" Ps. 91.

Thank you, God, for saving my Older Kid.