I am going to go back, for a minute, to the months prior to Younger Kid going to treatment and tell you a story. I tell it often because it illustrates the challenges parents face in finding support from the community. My husband and I realized shortly after Younger Kid's first hospitalization that our efforts would not be enough to carry him through to becoming a successful adult. We realized that we would need community support. Police, Corrections, Probation, Crisis Line, Social Services, and the involvement and support of the school.
I started believing the professionals who told me "severe consequences, Advocate Mom". It wasn't that I really believed consequences were the answer, but what I had been doing wasn't working either. I was desperate for the kid to "get it". I even tried to have Younger Kid arrested once for his behaviors at home. The Police refused to take him into custody. (I think they had nowhere for him to go) They charged him with a ticket and yet another court date.
For years I had been hearing "severe consequences" from all the professionals and the community. I expected that the system would support me. I expected the Police to arrest Younger Kid. I expected to have a quick court date and I was prepared not to stand in the way of the harsh "accountability" that the Judge would most certainly hand down.
But the Police would not arrest Younger Kid. When we went to court--weeks after the incident--the Judge actually lectured me for allowing things to become so out of control in my home. "Allowing". We have already discussed my thoughts on that idea. The Judge gave Younger Kid some community service and probation. When we went upstairs to the probation department, they wanted me to supervise the community service! What accountability? Where was the "consequence so severe Younger Kid would never forget it"? I refused to supervise the Community Service, explaining as my reason that having me in charge of his consequence would only fuel his aggression at home. The County has a work crew for community service. Kids picking up trash in church parking lots and unloading trucks at the food shelf. Put him on the work crew, I said. But the probation officer did not want to, siting as her reason Younger Kid's mental health.
Really??? The professionals in the probation department recognized that they did not want to manage an explosive, unpredictable kid on the work crew so they expected his parent to handle it at home. But, you know me. I don't necessarily accept the first "no". I convinced the Probation Officer to put the kid on the work crew. Several weeks later--Younger Kid was scheduled to be picked up after school several days in a row and go unload trucks somewhere with the crew. He came home after his first day and asked me to give him money for the following day. Why do you need money, Buddy? You are working. Unloading trucks at the food shelf. What do you need to buy?
Are you ready for the answer?
Are you sure?
"The guys in charge take us to McDonald's for a break, Mom."
So, just so you have all the facts--a kid's behaviors are so aggressive that charges are warranted. I pursued those charges, Police refused to arrest him, Judge lectured me in court, Probation wanted me to supervise community service, and the work crew guys took him to McDonalds.
I don't see any "severe consequences" there. Not much community support for parents. When I tell this story in a room full of professionals, there is always laughter. I supose it would be funny. Except that it isn't. It is a sad statement about the level of support that is (not) available for kids with intensive mental health needs. If Younger Kid had been given an immediate, meaningful consequence from the community that day perhaps it would have made a difference. Now, we will never know.
Given this history, I was not surprised when we went to Eagle View for Younger Kid's first staffing and Bear and Rachel reported that his behavior percentages were in the 40's. Younger Kid had become accustomed to receiving mixed messages from the adult authority figures in his life. He had become used to being in control of the events in his life that shaped his daily activities. At Eagle View, every single adult gave Younger Kid the same message. The kid was frustrated because he could not engage the staff in power struggles. He was not getting his way.
That first staffing is where I told Younger Kid he would not be coming home until Bear and Rachel said he was better. He continued to fight the staff and be uncooperative for a few more months before he started working their program. When he managed to do better, I believed it was because of the support and structure he had around him. The powers that be believed it was becasue he was well enough to come home. They started pushing for discharge in February. I knew Younger Kid was not ready. We had only had a few home visits with Younger Kid at that time. There was a huge gap in trust. Our family relationships needed a lot more work and Younger Kid had just started working with Rachel on his past trauma. It was not the time, in my opinion, to bring Younger Kid back home.
Stay tuned...I will tell you more about that fight next time....
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