"When the whole world says, "Give up." Hope whispers, "Try again."
When Younger Kid was in the hospital waiting to be accepted into a residential treatment program, I had to talk to a lot of people. I called everyone who I thought might be able to help our family. One of the adoption professionals I spoke to actually told me that my husband and I may have to terminate our parental rights to get Younger Kid help. She said we should not feel bad about it. We had done the best we could.
Yes. She really said that. It's fine with me if you stop reading for a moment to call her some bad names. Really. Go ahead.
The truth is that finalizing Younger Kid's adoption made obtaining residential treatment a lot more difficult. If Younger Kid had been with us in foster care, I could have made a phone call to his social worker and had him in treatment within a week. As my son, it took a year for him to get that treatment. I often questioned weather or not we had done Younger Kid a favor by adopting him. As much as our family suffered during that year--our kid suffered more. He still suffers. I try not to think about the time we lost fighting for his treatment.
Hope whispers, "Try again." Someone posted that on Facebook recently. I looooooove it! I think it is a perfect quote about raising Younger Kid. In June, 2007 I would have told you that there were two people residing within my son. One was a sweet, broken little boy who wanted a mother and a family. The other was an angry, abusive teen who could not allow his sweeter side to get hurt again. On top of that, the treatment team believed Younger Kid was not always in control of his mood. I could see that in his behaviors. There is angry and then there is ANGRY. There was a point in the anger curve where Younger Kid did lose control and at that point, all you can do if you are in his path is get out of the way. That is all you can do. No talking, reasoning, threatening, or trying to regain control. Just get out of the way and pray that no one gets hurt and that the damage is not to extensive when the tornado passes. It is no way to raise a child. It is no way to live. When the storm would pass, no one suffered more than the kid. No one cried more. No one felt worse. There comes a time when, no matter how much you love someone, you have to step back. That is where I was at the day I made the call to Dr. Steele. I had to get out alive.
While the treatment team (at this point it was Dr. Steele and the hospital Social Worker, the county Social Worker, and our in home therapist) felt that bipolar disorder was a possibility. No one was willing to diagnose it yet. I knew, regardless of what it was called, that my son was not controlling all of his behaviors. I knew that for sure. But, there were naysayers who believed otherwise. Certain teachers, police who were called into the middle of a tornado without any knowlege of what was really going on, and anyone who had contact with Younger Kid's angry side. These people generallybelieved that our kid was a bad kid and that maybe my husband and I were not the best parents either.
But one truth is this. If a child is pre-disposed to bipolar disorder and has a diagnosis of depression, then what would be considered a "moderately stressful" event for any typical child can trigger mania in a bipolar child. What would be a "moderately stressful" event to a typical 13 year old boy? Hmmmm.... having your estranged brother move home? Your newly adoptive parents announce that they are having a baby? Changing schools in the middle of the school year, or being arrested by an overly aggressive officer? Yep. When I read this truth, I knew. My kid was dealing with an illness that was beyond his control. He did not choose it. It chose him when he was born and the events that unfolded in his life triggered the onset. That is my belief. But, I am not a doctor.
So, we took our kid to Eagle View (not the real name of the place--I am going to use names and introduce some amazing people and none of the names are real names). Eagle View is a program that has been around for a long, long time. More than 100 years. You have read about the place we took Younger Kid out of when we brought him home. That had been the extent of my experience with residential treatment. The group homes I had seen had not been much better. Broken, falling apart houses and staff that did not care too much. As a parent, you would not want to leave your kid somewhere like that. Luckily, Eagle View is a modern, updated, sparkling clean and shiny place.
Right when you walk into the lobby you can see the difference. It is nice. Big leather couches and friendly people at the front desk. (those ladies love my Girlie!) We went to a conference room with nice decor--couches and a table. The staff dresses nice. They are proud of their work. We sat in the conference room and the Admissions Director introduced us to Rachel, the therapist. He said that Bear, the leader of Younger Kid's team would be in shortly.
I remember Bear walking through the door with a tray of snacks and a pitcher of water. He was very tall. "You guys must be hungry after your drive." He shook Younger Kid's hand and called him Mr. Younger Kid. "I've heard a lot about you. I'm glad to meet you." As we sat around the table and discussed what we were doing, Younger Kid grew impatient. Bear called one of his staff to take Younger Kid to his room and help him get settled in while the team finished the meeting. There was no judgement of Younger Kid or us. As I told our story, I saw compassion on Rachel and Bear's faces. I saw understanding. No one made comments about what poor choices Younger Kid had made. No one said anything that was remotely disrespectful. There was a sincerity there that I had not found anywhere else. I felt so comfortable leaving Younger Kid with these people.
Rachel said not to come back right away. She said she knew we had been through a lot and Younger Kid was safe now and they would handle him. She said I should take a week or two just to breathe and then come and see her. Bear promised to call us if anything happened and he said we could call him or his staff anytime and he gave me all the numbers. That was June 22, 2007.
I was worried that the staff may not want to deal with Younger Kid. I remember pleading with Bear that day, "Please don't kick him out. He can be so violent, but he has the best heart." Bear
shook my hand and said, "I don't think that will be a problem." I prayed they would commit to Younger Kid and help him. There was nowhere else for Younger Kid to go if they gave up.
I took a "few weeks to breathe" as Rachel suggested. My husband took us on vacation and we all rested a little. We talked to Younger Kid and the staff regularly but I did not return to Eagle View until July 9. I met with Rachel that day by myself. I sat on the floor with Girlie and cried. I told Rachel some of our family's stories. She told me about her first attempts at therapy with Younger Kid. But, there was no judgement. No talk about what a bad mother I was or what a bad kid we had. We were all broken. Me, my husband, Older kid, and Younger Kid. Rachel wrote about Younger Kid's "traumatized mother" in her report. That was me. Over time, Rachel put our family back together. I owe her that credit. I owe her more than I can say and if she reads this, she won't want to take that credit. She will say we did the work. But, she knows.
Grace.
"Each person should use whatever gifts he has received to serve others. Faithfully administering God's Grace in it's various forms." That's what it says in 1 Peter 4:10. The process of getting Younger Kid to treatment pushed us as far as we could be pushed. Just when we could not take anymore, I believe God put Rachel and Bear and Eagle View into our life.
Grace. It was surely Grace that saved us.
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