part 15--Everything is not what it seems.

I woke up this morning to a really nice comment from a high school classmate about the stories. Made my day. She said she understands it is hard to find time to write so she waits patiently for the next story. So, this one is for her. And thank you all very much for the nice comments.

You know, it never stops amazing me-the limits on people's good will. Five years later, you would think I would get it. But it always surprises me. I can sit around a table in a conference room at school or wherever and explain about my kids' past and how it contributes to their undesirable behaviors. I get total agreement every time. People want to support and help kids like mine. They promise to do all they can. They mean it and I believe them. But, many times people are not able to follow through with their promises of good will. When they hear the language that comes out of my kids' mouth or see the chair fly across the room, that good will goes right out the window. It is replaced with the words of the Assistant Principal the day Younger Kid was arrested, "Regardless of what has happened to him, Younger Kid must rise above it and do as society expects."

If he were able to, don't you think he would?

"Kids do well when they can." How I wish I had that phrase at the time of my youngest son's arrest. How I wish I could have only won the school staff, the police, the courts, even the social worker over with that argument. It was plain to see, to me, that my kid was sick. He needed help and understanding to heal. Our world only wants to consequence him.

"Boy, that Kid has got you wrapped right around his finger."

It's ok if you think so too. Everyone thought that. I needed to wise up and stop spoiling that kid. I needed to do him a real favor and teach him some respect. The only way he was going to learn was by having very severe consequences. But, I knew just as I had known about my older son's good heart. I knew that my Younger Kid's worst behaviors were not his fault. I just did not have the words or the skills or information to prove it to professionals.

Of all the players in the story, only the therapist was on my side and he said we would work together to figure out what really went on that day inside Younger Kid's head. No one else was interested in anything but "accountabiity".

I think Halloween was on a Monday that year. If I remember right, it was Tuesday night when my youngest son came upstairs to show me and my husband all the bruises. He lifted up his shirt and with tears in his eyes he said, "Look what he did to me." He had bruises all across his stomach and chest from being slammed into the countertop. How was that ok? Why was it ok for an adult with authority to use such violence? My husband was furious. "That guy should lose his job!" Yeah, or at the very least have some special training. It just blew my mind the way everyone justified the police officers actions, yet wanted to charge my kid with a felony.

The social worker agreed to call the police officer for me and get his side of the story. She called me after talking with him. She said, "Well, AdvocateMom, to tell you the truth, I agree with him. Younger Kid needed to be brought under control and if he got a few bruises in the process, well maybe he should think twice the next time."

I was dumbfounded. She is the very same worker who removed him from his parents home. She said she understood that police were a trigger but that in our society you just can't say "I will kill you" to a cop and not expect something major to go down.

I can understand this line of reasoning, to a point. If someone knows nothing about my kids' past then I can understand such a harsh response. On the surface a lot of things look like good ideas. Taking health insurance away from poor people without children, for example, sounds ok. Those people can go get a job and support themselves right? If we never look past the surface as a society, we can make decisions like this and feel ok about them. That's a problem, in my opinion. There is a reason for every single bad behavior my kids display. It takes some work to uncover it and it takes even more work to come alongside the kid, support him, and teach him new skills. It is much easier just to dole out a harsh consequence and move on. That's why we keep building more prisons.

Back to the story. The school called a special meeting called a Manifestation Determination. I got a notice about it in the mail. What in the world is a manifestation determination? Jeez! Don't you think someone would have explained it to me? My friend with 9 children, 6 adopted, explained it to me. She said because of the length of the suspention, the school had an obligation under federal law to determine if Younger Kid's actions on Halloween Day were a result of his disability. The manifestation determination was scheduled for the morning my son was to return to school.

In the meantime, I took my kid to the doctor with his extensive bruises. I wanted what happened to my son to be documented. I wanted someone other than me to say that it was wrong. I got that from my kids' doctor. She took pictures and wrote me a nice report. That documentation was important to me. It was all I could do for my kid at the time.

During his suspension, my son came to me with concern for the police officer. He believed that my husband actually had the power to get the guy fired. He said, "I think if he is sorry, Mom, then he shouldn't lose his job. He has kids to take care of and maybe he didn't mean for me to get hurt." Younger Kid wanted to ask the officer about this. So we made an appointment with the officer and went to the police station to meet with him. (Younger Kid could not be on school grounds because he was suspended and would be charged with trespassing--like we needed more court dates)

Can you imagine, given Younger Kid's past, the courage it took to go to that police station and talk with that officer? We went into a conference room with the officer and Younger Kid lifted up his shirt. "Why did you do this to me?" he wanted to know.

I was so proud of my kid that day. In his whole life he had never been able to question anyone who had abused him. He was so empowered that day and so innocent at the same time.

The officer said, "I did not mean to, Younger Kid. You were fighting me and we tripped and fell into the counter. It was not on purpose."

My kid did not see, but I rolled my eyes. It was not on purpose? Yeah, right. Just two days before this guy told the social worker, "That kid needed to be brought under control and if he got a bruise in the process then that is just too bad." I wanted the officer to know that I knew he was lying to my kid.

Younger Kid accepted the answer and he said he forgave the officer. They shook hands. My kid believed at that time that he had saved that officer's job. I let him believe it. He needed to feel good about something.

At the manifestation determination, everyone who was involved that day was present in the conference room. We went around the table and each and every person told in painstaking detail, the events of Halloween Day. There were seven or eight professionals and Younger Kid and I sat there and listened to their stories. They shamed my kid, basically, for 45 minutes and then the Assistant Principal declared that Younger Kid's actions were indeed, a result of his disability. There was talk of the pending felony charge of making terroristic threats, another charge of disorderly conduct, and yet another of vandalism for the hole the kid punched in the wall.

>>If you went to school with me, don't you think it is rediculous for the school to charge a kid with vandalism and make him go to court for punching a hole in the wall? I seriously almost laughed because I thought of Larry the crabby janitor and how if any of us had done that we would be staying after school and patching the hole.>>

At the end of the meeting my kid went back to class. I asked the professionals to stay because I had something I wanted to share. Younger Kid had a few therapy appointments the week before. Remember I said that the therapist promised we would get to the bottom of what was really going on that day. The night before, we carved pumpkins in our garage. We made a big deal out of it. We had a good time. I can still smell the pumpkins if I think of that night. The next morning, the kid who was talking too loud was talking about carving pumpkins.

My kids were removed from their parents home in October. I don't know the date. Their Dad has chosen to have no contact with the boys at all since the termination of parental rights. This hurts my boys and at that time, my younger kid would sometimes sob because he missed his dad. The kind of big alligator tears and body shaking sobs that you can't even look at without crying yourself. You know what came out in therapy, don't you?

The last thing Younger Kid remembers doing with his dad before he was removed was carving a pumpkin.

It was the smell of the pumpkins that night in our garage that brought back the memory. And then the kid was talking about carving pumpkins and he was talking too loud and then the police officer came in dressed in full uniform and said, "You are comin with me."

Can you breathe? Do you need a moment?

Because at the age of 12, with 7 diagnosis including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, my kid was expected to "rise above it and do as society expects."

Look at how much can be learned when we take the time to look past the surface.