part 14- The Police

When a kid is removed from the custody of his parents for abuse and neglect, the police are generally involved. As I understand it, the police escort a child protection worker to the home with a court order and remove the child or children in quesiton. I have never discussed this with my boys, but I know it happened to them too. The only thing either of them have said about it was when Younger Kid told me the social worker packed up his stuff and his brother's stuff in black trash bags.

It has to be a gut wrenching, terrible scene. Distraut parents, freightened children, the police...you've seen something similar in a Lifetime Movie, right? It makes sense, doesn't it, that a kid who has been through such an experience would have some feelings towards the police? And my kids are no different than anyone else. Police are a trigger. They inspire fear and helplessness and for my youngest son at age 12, even the sight of a police car would trigger a fight or flight response.

Given the circumstances of my boys' past, I don't think it is unreasonable to expect the professionals involved in my sons' lives to be sensitive to their feelings towards poloice. I could be expecting too much. It would not be the first time I have been accused of that one.

This is a story that is hard to tell. It is hard to remember it, because my kid got hurt in more ways than physical. This story is a good example of how Younger Kid needs to be protected from abuse just as much as he needs to be kept from abusing others. It happened on Halloween day, 2005.

Younger Kid went to school that day in a good mood. We carved pumpkins the night before and he was excited about Halloween. I remember that he was wearing his pink and blue striped polo shirt. It was his favorite. Blue is Younger Kid's best color. It makes his eyes stand out.

I got a call that morning around 10 from my husband. His voice sounded frantic. Panicked. "You better get to school right now." He said. "They arrested Younger Kid. They have him in a squad car and they are planning to take him to jail!"

What!?

Arrested him for what? He was fine this morning! And why didn't they call me? They call me every time he so much as talks back! My husband said they had been trying to call me and they said they could not reach me. To this day I do not believe that. They did not call me because they knew what my reaction was going to be. They called my husband because they did not know him very well. They were hoping he would respond in a way that would be favorable to them.

I did a lot of things wrong that first year when dealing with professionals. I was hostile. I was too emotional. And remember that I made some enemies at school because I followed the advice of the "Yes, just as soon as" therapist and never consequences Younger Kid for what he did wrong at school. I was not always easy to work with, but, I did communicate with the school. They knew everything I knew. I talked with Younger Kid's teachers and the support staff on a very regular basis. They knew that we were finalizing Younger Kid's adoption soon. They knew all about his history. They knew all of his known triggers. Keep that in mind as I tell you what happened.

Younger Kid was in a self contained, setting 3 classroom for kids with EBD (emotional behavioral disturbance). The classroom had one teacher, 2 paras, and several support staff who were in and out of the room throughout the day. That morning, there was a lot of excitement about Halloween and the kid sitting behind my kid was talking about carving pumpkins. My kid asked him not to talk so loud. He asked him again and again. My kid was becoming aggitated and things were escalating. None of the adults stepped in to ask what was going on. The pumpkin kid pushed Younger Kid's chair. That was it.

Younger Kid stood up and began yelling at the pumpkin kid, things were heated. A higher level professional came into the room and left during this time. Younger Kid threw a chair. Then he walked over to the wall and punched it. He began walking around the room. The teacher said at this point, she thought he was calming down. She thought things were under control.

This particular school had a police officer working in the building. He walked into the room abruptly, dressed in full uniform, looked at Younger Kid, pointed and said, "YOU are comin' with me."

How do you think that went over?

Younger Kid said some bad words. The officer stepped towards my kid in an aggressive manner. He intended to take control of Younger Kid one way or the other. My kid fought for his life. The police officer took Younger Kid to the floor, the kid reached for a table leg. A teacher reported feeling very afraid at this time. She thought Younger Kid was going to try to flip the table over on the Officer. The Officer picked my kid up, slammed him hard into a counter top, and said, "YOU are comin' with me."

My kid, defiant as ever, looked right into the Officer's eyes and said, "I'll kill you first." He didn't actually say it that nicely, but this a family story. The officer slammed him against the counter a second time, handcuffed him, and dragged him out of the classroom.

The same professional who popped in and out of the classroom went to get the police officer. She is the same professional who claimed she could not reach me that day. She is the same professional who was mad as hell at me the year before because I followed the advice of the family therapist and she had to be responsible for administering her own consequences. Looking back on it, I believe she was showing me that day what her consequences were going to look like. It was a power thing.

When I pulled up to the school, I didn't know any of this. I only knew what my husband had told me. I knew they had arrested my kid and they were planning to take him to jail. I saw the police car in front of the front doors. My kid was in the back seat screaming and crying. "Mom! Mom help me! Get me out of here, Mom!" I had my window down, but I could hear him screaming as I pulled up behind the police car! The Officer stepped in front of my vehicle. I stopped, got out of the car, and ran towards my son. The Officer stopped me. "No. He is going to the juvenille facility. You are coming with me."

No I am not! I will not go with you until you get my son out of that car! It was hard to see my kid handcuffed in the car. I was crying. Begging. The officer was ruthless.

As we walked into the building I tried to explain about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and why my son would have a hard time with the police. The officer would not have any of it. On my cell phone I dialed the therapist, he answered. Please tell this officer about Younger Kid's PTSD triggers and why he reacted this way. Please tell him to get my kid out of that car!

The therapist talked to the Officer. The officer handed me my phone back. The therapist told me the officer was not going to let my kid go unless I listened to his whole story and convinced him Younger Kid would not calm down without me. The therapist was sure they would not take an out of control kid to a juvenile facility because the staff at the facility would not want to deal with that.

I did my best to calm down and listen to the officer tell me what a bad kid I had. The Assistant Principal came in and said she was suspending Younger Kid for 5 days. I signed her paperwork. I asked for the officer to please release my kid to me. Please don't take him to jail. The last time he went with a police officer, he lost his family. We are finalizing his adoption in a few weeks. He is terrified right now. Please, please, please let me take him home.

The officer agreed to release Younger Kid to me. "But, there are going to be charges. Serious charges. He threatened to kill a police officer and that is a felony."

Fine. Fine. Fine. I did not argue. I could deal with paperwork and charges later. I knew the therapist and the social worker would help me. I just wanted my kid out of that car.

I held my kid in the parking lot so tight. "I'm sorry, Mom, but he said I had to go with him and I could not go with a cop, Mom."

"I know, Baby. It's going to be OK. I am so sorry this happened to you."

When I looked up, guess which professional was watching us?

There is more to this story...and I will tell you next time.