part three

You can look in their eyes, and see by the pain,
They've sailed some rough seas, and suffered in vain;
Their spirits are broken, their faith totally shattered,
And given up hope, their little lives mattered!

They've been on the front-lines, like soldiers of war,
Fought endless battles, with no chance to score;
There were no medals of honor pinned on their chests,
and no way to escape life's toughest of tests.

That's from a poem called Children Know by Stella Quarrells. That's my oldest. But, it's not as if he was ever weakened or broken. He is tough and proud. He is a true survivor. He is like I would imagine a prisoner of war to be...guarded, defiant, determined. When he moved home and up until this day, he really is not concerned with what other people think of him. Life taught him to rely only on himself. "Parents never did me any good." I have heard him say that so many times.I have written about how idealistic my husband and I were.. We thought the boys would be happy to have a permanent home-maybe even a little bit grateful. We did not expect life to be easy, but we thought after a while, we would be like every other family.

We had certain ideals that we held as truths. "Siblings should always live together.", made perfect sense to us. One of the greatest injustices of all, in our opinion, was that our boys had been seperated for so many years. It never occurred to us that while it may be morally wrong, child welfare professionals may have had sound reasons for doing it. It didn't take long after we had them both at home to realize something that no one had told us. The boys brought out the absolute worst in each other! They were bonded by the trauma they had endured. They had no relationship outside of that. They were not aware of typical family relationships or that they were different. Something else that has been true for them as long as we have known them is that if they are living together, one does well and one does not. The better one gets, the worse the other one gets.

We brought them home with the knowledge that the younger one was a big risk. We discussed sibling seperation with the social workers (that is the process you go through to adopt one sibling and not another) but it was with the understanding that it was the younger one who wasn't "well suited for family living."

But, it was the older one who struggled the most in the beginning. Was he oppositional? Holy Buckets! He put the "O" (as in OMG) in Oppositional Defiant Disorder! If he was awake, he was difficult. If he decided an adult was going to have a bad day, that adult would surely have the worst day of their life! The therapist told us that kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) do not trust adults and she explained that he was "testing" us to see if we were good for our word. For example, if we drew a line and offered a consequence for crossing it--he would always cross it to see if we would follow through with the consequence. He was not afraid of consequences. Why would he be? He had lived through the worst life had to offer. Nothing we could do to him would be worse than what he had already experienced. He had nothing to lose.On top of that, the therapist explained, he believed we were going to "ditch him" just as every other adult had ever done. So, by displaying unbelievable behavior, he was only trying to contol the manner in which he left us.

"Be firm." the therapist would advise. "Be matter of fact. Do not take things personally." Slightly easier said than done.

We had the boys living in our home together for about 7 weeks in the fall of 2004. During that time, my name was "Stupid Fucking Bitch". That was the name given to me by my oldest son whom I adored and felt so much love for. He called me that about 50 times a day. He loves canned soup. I had 30+ cans of soup in the pantry. One morning he came downstairs, opened the pantry, and began yelling and demanding chicken and stars. "There is no chicken and stars. What kind of SFB doesn't have chicken and stars?" We started looking through the pantry together. I said I was sure there was chicken and stars. Of course there wasnt. I apologized. "I am so sorry. I know you like soup and I wanted to be accommodating so I got all these different kinds...." He said, "If you were being accommodating, there would be chicken and stars!" And with that....he ripped the pantry door right off the hinges!

"O"!

There was one morning he refused to shower. It was quite an argument and as I followed him up the stairs begging and pleading for him to get in the shower, he kicked 5 holes in the wall. I was late for work, he was late for school, he had missed the bus...."Please" I was begging, "Just get ready so we can go." He turned to me and said, "FINE! But--I will control how I smell!"

"O"!

One night my husband and I waived the white flag and enticed him out onto the deck for a private talk. We were sure we could convince him to ease up just a little. We just asked what was happening? Why was he behaving like this? His answer brought us to tears. I will never forget what he said. It wa so honest. He said, "If I keep you busy all day then you won't have any time to hurt me.""If I keep you busy all day then you won't have any time to hurt me."

"O"!

OH MY!! We are not going to hurt you. We love you. We love you and it is unconditional. And we are not going to ditch you. Never. No matter what you do. We picked you! You are ours! You are part of this family now! We promise! We thought we had really made some progress that night. We were so clueless. I think when our conversation was finished, our son probably wondered what he would have to do to get out. He did not believe for a moment any of the words we said.

I went to a seminar. A highly recommended therapist was speaking and while it was several hours away, I decided to go because this guy was suposed to be the best with oppositional teen boys. The therapist was great! He taught us to never say "No" No is a trigger for a power struggle, which, he explained, was right where a kid with ODD wants adults to go. He said to say, "Yes. Just as soon as...." So, for example, "Can I have a ride?" "Yes, just as soon as the homework is done." I talked to the therapist afterwards and did my best sucking up. He agreed to see my boys in his practice. He thought he could help.. I drove home so victorious! I had a plan. "Yes, just as soon as..." was going to save us and on top of that--this great therapist just agreed to be OUR therapist!

Oldest boy was in the driveway when I pulled in. I didnt tell him where I was going that day. He thought I was at work. He came bouncing out of the house, greeted me with my new name and made a bunch of demands, to which I replied, "Absolutely! Just as soon as..."

"OH!" He said this with delight. He was actually laughing at me! "Somebody's been to a seminar today!" He skipped off hollering a string of curse words and declaring to the neighborhood, "Nice try SFB!"

Shortly after, his behavior did become unmanagable and he did go to a group home and then to a work camp. He was gone for 4 months.

I want to share (so you don't worry) that this kid is so great now! He is doing well. He wants to be a Youth Pastor! But, convincing him that we were "for sure" was not easy. It took a long time. One of the ways we did that was by staying in touch during those 4 months he was gone. We showed up when we said we would. And when he was released, he came back home to our house. Proving that we were indeed good for our word.